This is how I have felt the past few days…needing hugs and snuggles. After finding out I may be diabetic to having to take co-codamol for pain relief and having some weird trippy reaction to it. I can not wait for tomorrow, leaving work early and going to my lovely boys house ready to spend a lovely long weekend in france. A little break is long overdue!
On my way home from a wonderful weekend spent with James I made a little friend. I helped her on the train whilst her mum got her brothers pram on and she sat next to me and told me her name was Natalie and was “3 and a half and 19 days old” she was so cute :) I told her I’m going for dinner with my friends and she asked me what I was eating and told me her favourite food was pasta and cheese and peas. We then shared my skittles whilst she asked me to name all of my cousins to her. When she got off the train she asked me to put her shoes I for her and called me her best friend :) When her mum got up to get off the train she apologised. Definitely no need to apologise she was a little darling, made my journey more happy :) I can’t wait to have children, inquisitive little things!
Reading through the poems I have wrote thinking how very sad and full of pain they are. I haven’t wrote in a long time, mainly because I haven’t found the time but also because I don’t feel the need to. There was a time when all I could do to stop myself overthinking my self into oblivion was to write, and now I suppose I don’t feel like I can or need to? My creative block is beginning to annoy me now, I simply cannot create nor have the desire to do so, which saddens me because art and being creative has always been my greatest love. So much going on that I can’t pin myself down to focus enough…
I’m at the point in my life where I’m beginning to question everything. Is this normal? Does everyone hit mid 20’s and panic? Wonder if they made the right choices, done more, said more,said less? Should I have my own house by now, kids, someone in my life I feel I may marry one day? I’m about to embark on one of the most difficult weeks of my life tomorrow and perhaps I’m feeling like this because of that. The fact that 3 of my family members lives are at risk is terrifying me and I can’t deal with it. I can’t focus on anything, I keep having blanks mid conversation and forget what I’m saying, I sit at my desk and forget what I’m designing. I come home and just want to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling slowly drifting in and out of a light slumber. It’s a variation of doing nothing to keeping myself manic busy in order to stop thinking. My mind and my body is so tired from feeling this stress. I can’t vent this, I can’t express this dread in the pit of my stomach. I can’t explain to the people close to me how this feels. How it feels to be completely alone, scared and panicky over something you can’t control. I feel like a child who wants to stay home from school and cuddle up to mum in bed all day and feel safe. I want someone to be able to make me feel safe and I don’t. I want someone to care enough to understand that I need them to be there for me without me having to actually ask them. For once be the support that I need and that is so freely given when the shoe is on the other foot. I can’t do this alone and at the moment I’m facing it completely on my own and that scares me because I don’t feel strong enough for this.
A world is full of love that goes unspoken but doesn’t mean that it is felt less deeply or that separation leaves a cleaner wound. It’s beauty and it’s pain are in it’s silence.